Friday, June 8, 2012

Mommy Paranoia

My husband calls me paranoid at times with other names... But I like to think of myself has overly cautious. I'm a first time mom, which for me means that I'm constantly worried about my baby being okay. I don't think this is unusual; I would even venture to guess that it's normal.

The "paranoia" as my husband calls it started in the hospital. The first night, when I wasn't allowed out of bed, I feel like I asked my husband a gazillion times if Thia was still breathing. Babies come out screaming, but once they've entered the world they calm down some. So when she was being quiet and I wasn't holding her, I just wanted to be sure.
This was the view of Thia from my bed.
The hubs also thought I was over the top the first month when I would constantly ask if she was okay. I even seemed nervous getting in the shower and leaving her with him. It's completely crazy and irrational. He's her father and he loves her at least as much as I do. Maybe it was separation anxiety already on my part? She was with me constantly for almost 10 months, and part of me thought she should be with me constantly out of the womb. (Like I said irrational and crazy!)

This paranoia has waned some. I've even gone to run errands and left her alone with the hubs. I missed her like crazy and still had some anxiety, but we both lived through it. I even venture that she thoroughly enjoyed daddy/daughter time (after all, she most likely gets sick of me)! 

I do, however--according to my mom, spoil her already. I put her down more often than I did at first. But the majority of the day she's in my arms. She seems to enjoy and I know I do! She's a snuggler and I eat it up. Plus I know that there will come a time (probably way to soon) that she won't like snuggling with mommy.
While I'm getting better about leaving her for small amounts of time, I prefer to be with her all the time. And truth be told: I still check on her in the middle of the night to make sure she's breathing. I wouldn't necessarily call my paranoia a meltdown. However, at times it's felt that way--especially when I've bolted out of bed at 4 AM because I hadn't heard any noises from her recently. I don't know if that's something you completely stop doing. My mom says that when we come to visit she still checks occasionally and I'm 30.

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