Two Month Shots

I'd heard stories from some of my mom friends about the illustrious two month shots. A couple days before I thought, "My baby is so happy--we've got this." Then the night before I had horrible nightmares--I mean worst case scenarios nightmares. The reality: somewhere in between, but I realize we were much closer to "we've got this" now that I'm no longer in the moment.

On Tuesday, my anxiety was high because I didn't want to cause my child any pain. Also, I learned the night before that the hubs couldn't go with me. I will admit I was mad because I didn't want to be the only parent associated with this pain! Selfish, I know, but true. (Go ahead and judge me, but I didn't want my two month old daughter to blame me.)

She was so happy and cheerful before we left, and then peacefully sleeping before we entered the office. But once they started measuring her head she started fussing and I knew I was in for a traumatizing visit. I managed to calm Thia while waiting for the doctor, and she seemed happy until the first shot went in. She went from mildly fussy, to eyes bulging and screaming. I had never heard my baby girl scream like that since she came out of the womb.

I managed to get her calmed down and gave her Tylenol before we left the doctor's office. Once we got home we snuggled and fell asleep on the couch. The hubs was peacefully sleeping upstairs after working overnight...that was until the Tylenol wore off. She woke up from our nap screaming enough to wake the dead. Through the tears I managed to get more Tylenol in her and feed her. All while the hubby tells me, "If I had known it would be this bad, I would have gone with you." I asked what he thought he would be like; his response: "I thought she'd be fussy for 30 minutes and that would be it." I rolled my eyes.


But I have to tell you that those screams will haunt whatever nightmares I have. They were beyond traumatizing. As a mom those sounds convey the worst feeling: helplessness. You can give her some medication, hold her, love her; but you can't "fix" this pain you allowed to happen. I know I will be hesitant at four months, but vaccines need to happen; it just won't make it any less heartbreaking for this mom. 


All in all though, we were very lucky. She was fussy and screaming a few times (I didn't let the Tylenol run out again until the next afternoon), but she didn't have a fever or any other side effect. Trust me if she had, I would have known--I didn't get much sleep those 24 hours. Now that I've rested, I realize that we totally had this despite being deathly worried at first.

Mommy Paranoia

My husband calls me paranoid at times with other names... But I like to think of myself has overly cautious. I'm a first time mom, which for me means that I'm constantly worried about my baby being okay. I don't think this is unusual; I would even venture to guess that it's normal.

The "paranoia" as my husband calls it started in the hospital. The first night, when I wasn't allowed out of bed, I feel like I asked my husband a gazillion times if Thia was still breathing. Babies come out screaming, but once they've entered the world they calm down some. So when she was being quiet and I wasn't holding her, I just wanted to be sure.

This was the view of Thia from my bed.

The hubs also thought I was over the top the first month when I would constantly ask if she was okay. I even seemed nervous getting in the shower and leaving her with him. It's completely crazy and irrational. He's her father and he loves her at least as much as I do. Maybe it was separation anxiety already on my part? She was with me constantly for almost 10 months, and part of me thought she should be with me constantly out of the womb. (Like I said irrational and crazy!)

This paranoia has waned some. I've even gone to run errands and left her alone with the hubs. I missed her like crazy and still had some anxiety, but we both lived through it. I even venture that she thoroughly enjoyed daddy/daughter time (after all, she most likely gets sick of me)! 

I do, however--according to my mom, spoil her already. I put her down more often than I did at first. But the majority of the day she's in my arms. She seems to enjoy and I know I do! She's a snuggler and I eat it up. Plus I know that there will come a time (probably way to soon) that she won't like snuggling with mommy.

While I'm getting better about leaving her for small amounts of time, I prefer to be with her all the time. And truth be told: I still check on her in the middle of the night to make sure she's breathing. I wouldn't necessarily call my paranoia a meltdown. However, at times it's felt that way--especially when I've bolted out of bed at 4 AM because I hadn't heard any noises from her recently. I don't know if that's something you completely stop doing. My mom says that when we come to visit she still checks occasionally and I'm 30.

Every New Mom Cries

It's my understanding (or at least my personal hope/belief) that all new moms cry at the beginning. Let me be very, very clear here--I don't like crying, never have. Before I got pregnant if you caught me crying I was probably angry not sad. Now if you see me crying you need more than just that guess because it could be as simple as a commercial or seeing my daughter's first smile.

Truthfully as soon as your baby arrives a woman's hormones are completely out of whack so there's no telling what could set off the water works. On top of that add in the fact that you are adapting to surviving on only four total hours of sleep and a periodically crying little person who solely depends on you for food, comfort and hygiene: You are bound to have what I call a "mommy meltdown." These meltdowns could be nuclear given the right prompt or trying too hard to not breakdown.

I experienced both a run of the mill meltdown and a nuclear meltdown within the first week of being home. My run of the mill mommy meltdown happened when I conceded to giving my precious daughter a bottle within the first two weeks of life. This terrified me for two reasons--what if she wouldn't take it and I had no way to get sleep or what if she liked the bottle too much and breastfeeding went down the tubes. 

I was also absolutely sure that by not listening to the recommended "don't introduce a bottle until 4-6 weeks" that I was a horrible mother. I felt incredibly guilty and lazy that I wanted to take one feeding off so I could sleep a little more. Thankfully my husband and mom assured me this wasn't the case. Thia was still receiving my milk, which is what really matter to me and the hubby. Plus, a more rested mommy means a happier and better mommy--win/win.

This was the hubs giving Thia that first bottle.

Then came the nuclear meltdown. This was not pretty. I mean puffy eyes, nose dripping snot a foot long, you would think I dislocated something and was in excruciating pain. Alas, I was just a 30 year old new mom who's mommy was going home to South Carolina a few days sooner than originally plan. The moment my mom told me she changed her flight for work, I lost it. Both the hubby and mom tried to console me for at least an hour. They had no shot. It was impossible until I was done with the tears (which were accompanied by hiccups (again: it-was-ugly!)). 

I couldn't tell you the last time I had cried like that. For whatever reason, hearing that my mom was leaving basically caused me to panic. I was filled with fear that I couldn't or wouldn't be able to figure out being a mom without my mom there. It was completely irrational but it was all I could hear in my head. Then it passed, and I realized I could do this... But I had to be "cleansed" by my personal rain before I could see it.

Our three generations. 

I have no idea if other new moms have had these exact thoughts; who knows maybe some moms never experience these meltdowns. I can only tell you that I have and what they were like. My meltdowns (which have significantly lessened) help keep me grounded and enjoy every moment with my daughter.